____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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