I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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