They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
