I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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