have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
