Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
