If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
