Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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