she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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