He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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