She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
