i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my phone needs a breathalizer
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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