i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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