I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
