I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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