Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
