They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
