Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
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Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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