Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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