so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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