so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
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My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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