Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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