we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
