last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
