I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
