Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
