Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
