the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
