I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
