Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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