I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
