my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
