I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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