There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
