well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
