we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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