she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
