I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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