So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
