Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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