Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
