I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
