She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
