just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
