i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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