I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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