i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
