That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
