i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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