I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
