Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just pee around me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
