I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
50% drunk capacity currently
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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