yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
