its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I checked into jail on foursquare
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Randomize
