She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
