I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
