I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
