is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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