You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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