So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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