I could make wine with my vomit
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
