Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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