I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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